Zodiac Lies Explained

The Aries sign is ruled by Mars, but Mars is not the Planet of the friggin’ Brawl – it’s about intensity and acting upon your impulses. Aries, being the first or “youngest” of the Zodiac, is obviously the most impulsive, but that doesn’t instantly mean they’re violent. It just means they’re ruled by Mars. They might be selfish because Aries is, again, the baby sign; everything is about them because that’s what their place in the Zodiac wheel is. It’s about beginning, or starting anew.

Taurus are lazy, always hungry, always eating, and slovenly. 

Taurus is an Earth sign; Earth signs are very focused on the physical realm and all the greatness that can come of it. Taurus is the sign that is most focused on being comfortable and satisfied with their material world. Ruled by Venus, the Taurus sign reasonably enjoys the finer things in life, which includes furniture, food, and clothing. They won’t be slobs if they like to be beautiful and to be surrounded by equally beautiful things. Just stop. On the other hand, the “stubborn” argument can swing both ways, so why not call them determined instead of lazy?

Gemini are two-faced liars with no real personality and all they do is gossip. 

Gemini is probably the most quick-thinking of the signs. They are ruled by Mercury, and therefore ruled by thought and speech. They have too many ideas to keep it all to themselves. It’s impossible for a human, let alone a human born under one of the most complex astrological signs, to not have a few hypocritical notions, but just because they tell you a lot of them doesn’t mean they believe all of them, nor all at once. (Half of the time, they’re probably only bouncing those theories off you to see what you think about them.) Mercury is also the planet of learning, so they may be constantly growing past their old feelings and discarding them as they move on to something new.

Cancer are hopeless cry-babies who can’t live without their mommy. 

Excuse you. The Cancer sign IS the mommy. Cancer is the sign of home, history, and motherhood, and if they’re ruled by the moon (the luminary of emotion), how could you expect them to not be emotional? (Mind the definition of emotional, would you?) Cancer is also the Cardinal Water sign, meaning they can be efficacious self-starters who don’t need to follow in anyone’s footsteps to get where they want to go. Even if they’re anxious, they’re also generally shy and private, so keeping all those fears to themselves and never asking for help only makes them more self-reliant and brave, whether they’re aware of it or not.

Leo are the most arrogant, self-absorbed, vain people of the Zodiac… However, they’re the most beautiful, so they do have a point.

 Leo is the sign that is ruled by the Sun; the Sun is about oneself and one’s ego. There’s nothing arrogant or self-centered about knowing you’re important or valuable and if all you’ve experienced with Leos is belligerence and egocentrism, then that’s your own bad luck. Leo has actually been characterized as friendly and attention-giving. And while every sign is beautiful, Taurus and Libra are ruled by Venus, so if anyone’s going to be stereotyped as the prettiest, it should be them. Leo just wants to be known to every living person as the King or Queen of the Jungle and it’d be heresy to not look the part.

Virgo are neat- and health-freak robots! They’re cute socially awkward bookworms though, so we forgive them.

Virgo is another Earth sign, and as stated above, the Earth element is all about life on earth. Like Taurus, Virgo strives for perfection of lifestyle and self, but on a much deeper level. That doesn’t mean that’s all they care about – it’s just one of the many things that are important to them. This sign is also ruled by Mercury, the planet of thought, so (that “robot” argument is completely out the window) it’s ridiculous to assume they’re all shy and prone to stuttering. They’re analytical and calculating and it’s very common for them to speak clearly, precisely, perfectly, able to get their point across in a succinct and exact manner. You got one thing right, though – they are damn cute.

Libra are soulless divas who only care about their fake friends and lipstick. They’re passive, feckless, and so indecisive that they couldn’t just PICK SOMETHING to save their life.

Libra is ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty and love; they are drawn to what they think looks nice, and there’s nothing wrong with having a keen eye for pulchritude. They are the Cardinal Air sign, and that mixture of values (leadership, self-reliance & social justice and progression) results in a great need to be fair; Libra sees from everyone’s point of view and this leads them to very vacillating places, but is that really a bad thing? They don’t lack a backbone; I think sometimes they just don’t know how to use it.

Scorpio are murderous sex-fiends who probably have blood orgies in the basement every Friday night for Satan.

Scorpio is ruled by the planets Mars and Pluto; that is an explosive combination of very intense energies, and thus Scorpio is the most intense Zodiac sign. They are known for being very emotional (as a Water sign) and prone to extremes (as the inhabitant of the eighth house), but as with Aries, this doesn’t have to make them volatile. They are driven and often controlled by their feelings and urges, but statistically, most serial killers are not Scorpios, so… There goes that argument.

Sagittarius probably don’t have any bone in their body that hasn’t been broken at least once because they’re so stupid and reckless.

Sagittarius is a Fire sign, making them very vital and dynamic people. They are adventurous, impulsive, and most of all, defined by the pursuit of personal freedom; they hate chains and confines more than anything. They’re known for making a lot of mistakes, but those mistakes are the way Sagittarians learn best, and because this sign is ruled by Jupiter (the planet associated with good luck, morals, and life paths), what these people learn is often laden with incredibly valuable and profound philosophies.

Capricorn do nothing but work, work, work. They’re too uptight to function.

Capricorn is the Cardinal Earth sign; they are characterized by their efficacy, determined nature, and great drive to succeed. They yearn to be the best that they can be and because of this, they often find themselves trapped in a place where they’re only capable of focusing on what they want to have and grow into. This doesn’t mean they can never leave that place, but depending on other parts of the Capricorn person’s chart, they may not want to. They are known as the most serious of the Zodiac only because they’re ruled by Saturn, the planet with a stick up its ass. (Every Capricorn I know is goofy as hell, so there’s that.)

Aquarius are weirdo aliens who come up with conspiracy theories for fun and feeling nothing is their number one hobby.

Aquarius is ruled by Uranus, the planet of uniqueness and dissent. They are next to Sagittarius in terms of freedom of thought. Driven by expansion of the mind and progression of self and the collective, Aquarius has the biggest ideas of the Zodiac, and being an Air sign, they want to share them. However, Aquarius are prone to feeling distant and disconnected, and they tend to behave as if that’s where they want to stay – on the outside. They want to be different. They are often dissatisfied with the current state of everything and they believe they will be the sign to make positive changes. They are off-beat, yes, but in their mind, that’s the best thing to be.

Pisces only smoke weed, sleep, and pretend to be hipster, but they’re just fish. Fish can’t be hipster.

 

Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the planet of imagination and illusions; Pisces is the most creative sign of the Zodiac, and that results in them leaning toward slightly unconventional ideas and habits. However, it is the Mutable Water sign, making Pisceans adaptable, emotional, and often passive people. This stereotype seems to imply that Pisces have little to no personality, but Pisces is a deep, dynamic, profound sign, and as proof of its gentle magnificence, I offer this collection of precise, hard-hitting Tumblr hate directed at it: *crickets chirping* Oh, right. There is none. Because Pisces is perfect.